....now I just need an event. The original plan in November 2015 was to get a coach, get faster and finish Oceanside IM70.3 in 2016. Two of those three things happened. I found a coach, he helped me get faster but I didn't get to even start Oceanside. A failed plan is better than no plan at all, I suppose. At least I know I tried and I was determined to be my best....then the world around me had other plans. This has been a year I would gladly not repeat. It all started with my dog of 14.5 years becoming ill and passing away in the first week of the year. He passed away during a week of work that was probably my most stressful to date of all the nearly 8 years there. I was working overtime to collect compensation data, collect reviews, create packets, update all new year benefit enrollments and update payroll for a staff of around 175. It was easily work that needed about 3 staff to complete I had to do it all in a week. The last day I had all my work projects completed and ready to give to the Directors to pass out to staff was a Friday. I remember going home feeling beat down and exhausted, all the while that week knowing my dog was not doing well and recovering from an exploratory surgery. He never got better and I believe he was waiting until I was home for the weekend in order to say good-bye to me. It was 3:30 am on that next morning that he took his last breath. I wrote about it on my last blog post so I won't belabor it here. Suffice it to say, it sucked. Now, throw in a last minute trip to Pittsburgh for work to look for a new office space for our office there and then go again in 2 more weeks for my scheduled quarterly office week of work. I was at least able to get a few indoor treadmill runs in since it was 7 degrees outside. Then the word got to me about my Opa turning 100 and the family was all heading to Perth, Australia to celebrate his birthday in April. Only 3 weeks after my scheduled Oceanside event. I decided to go as well. This meant limiting funds for Oceanside but you only turn 100 once, if you are lucky. I was going to try to make it all work. 'Time to focus back on my training. My coach was patient yet knew I needed to push it, my training plan was awesome, I was not. I kept skipping good workouts or going later than I should and not having as good of a workout if I had gone earlier. Mentally I couldn't pull it together. Even though my workouts were not all that stellar I was still seeing improvement. I ran a few 10ks and then a Rock n Roll half marathon in Phx. I was amazed at my results. Not only did I run the entire race with stops only for water, I had my best time ever and I felt completely amazing that day and the days to follow. In the past I would be hobbling around and hoping for handrails in any bathroom I was in but not this time. I know all the training I had done prepared me well. After the half marathon I was back to my training for my 70.3. I had to do a run up a local area called Sabino Canyon. I had done this before so I knew what to expect. What I didn't expect was what followed. I quit, I gave up. I gave in...I couldn't do it any more. I stopped coaching, I bowed out of Oceanside. I had to fix me. I was broken. I wanted coaching,I wanted Oceanside, I was ready for it....but mentally other things were in the way and I couldn't get past them to be the best me in sport and in life. It's interesting how your mental state affects your physical desires. It is true what they say, this sport is more mental that it is physical. If you mentally shut down, you physically shut down and that is what I did. I found myself early in the year (and for many years leading up to it) at a crossroads in my mind....things were not going well. My mental state was wrecked. It was not about my dog or my work anymore. There were deeper issues that had to be looked at in the eye. My marriage of 26 years ended, To no one person's fault but it did, It happened and that means a lot of other things came with that decision. A lot of emotional and mental stress. Packing, moving, recreating a new life, figuring out who am I? What is my purpose? My kids are grown and all have their lives. There isn't anyone to take care of for the fist time in my life. I don't even know how to cook for one person. It's a new experience... can't define it yet as good or bad, just different. During this time my son's friend (who we were guardian parents for during his senior year in HighSchool) was found murdered in Pocono New Jersey. He was shot in the head and then burnt. It was like loosing a son, he was our son...he lived with us, we took him to school, we got on his case about his grades,his room, we celebrated his birthday, took him on a family trip, spent the holidays with him, we helped him graduate and get a chance to go to college. We still to this day don't know what happened. We put together a memorial for his friends here and that was really good for us all. So my year so far went : Heavy work schedule, dog passing, work travel x 2 , divorce, moving, passing of our 'son', travel to Australia, getting a sinus infection, work retreat, more travel for work helping start our new office build and move. I am mentally exhausted but I know my best medicine is to focus on a training plan.
With Oceanside in my rear view window and good training under my legs I want to find another event. I have a sprint in October in San Diego that was originally suppose to be an Olympic Distance on Mother's Day in Tempe but they cancelled lake events due to some Dam repair that needed to be done. So I went from having a sprint, olympic and a half all planned to have been done by now and all I have to show for my training is a half marathon although I am faster and I am stronger. I decided to start back with my coach to help me work on my foundation to be stronger and faster until I identify an event to do soon. I am looking and it is giving me something to keep my mind busy. So far my workout are going well. I have missed far fewer than before and I have learned if I miss one, I make it up as soon as possible. I am excited to see more growth in my abilities. I would love to start seeing the same progress in my life. My job is great, my new place is a sanctuary and I am finding my rhythm. Nothing is perfect, nothing will be perfect. I will continue to work on being the best version of myself, in sport, in work and in life. Hopefully I will blog more about it and talk about my Hammer Nutrition products I love so much. Until then, These are all the thoughts I can put down for today or you may fall asleep. Suffice it to say that this year really sucked but I am determine to make it the best year from this point forward.
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Victoria "Torie" GrammarJust your average Mom and Friend who found a love for the swim, bike, and run. Archives
January 2023
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